First Order Up!
by Scrubb1910
Summary: Two janitors accidentally cause trouble for the First Order. Starring Mike and Frank; in celebration of the 40th Anniversary of Star Wars. This was inspired by The Three Stooges, Benny Hill, Chucklevision and Laurel and Hardy.


"FIRST ORDER UP!"

A _Star Wars_ parody written by MIKE

STARRING Frank & Mike

 _A vast starry background – it is space; a large First Order Star Destroyer flies into view accompanied by the Imperial March...which is abruptly stopped as a caption reads: HEY, TIMES HAVE CHANGED!_

 _Inside the Star Destroyer is a hangar. Two janitors, Mike and Frank, are mopping the floors. Mike has a trail of toilet paper stuck to his shoe._

FRANK: Well, that's the bathrooms done.

MIKE: Yep. Plus, it wasn't easy cleaning all those urinals with taps on

FRANK: They're called sinks, Mike.

MIKE: I know. They needed some fresh cakes in there.

 _Frank has an awkward look on his face. Mike takes off the trailing toilet paper from the bottom of his foot and tosses it over his shoulder._

FRANK: Yeah, right... So, what's next on the list?

MIKE: _(he takes out a rolled up scroll of paper and opens it, and doing so causes it to roll out onto the floor)_ Okay, so far... *READING* Clean bathrooms on all levels, mop floors, dust off weapon racks...

FRANK: That's next on our list.

 _Frank puts up a wet floor sign and they set off. The wet floor sign falls down._

 _They walk over to a blaster rack._

FRANK: Well, this is the lot.

 _Mike takes one of the blasters._

MIKE: Hey, Frank, shouldn't we test one o' 'em?

FRANK: Well, I don't know about that, Mike.

MIKE: Well, I think we ought to. You know, to see if they're in good order like the First Order itself.

 _Mike sets up a target and takes the blaster. He aims it, holding it with one hand and covering his ear with the other._

FRANK: What are you doing?

MIKE: Trying to test it out. Frank, could you cover my ears for me, please?

FRANK: Why?

MIKE: Because gunfire makes me go deaf, only temporarily.

FRANK: Okay, fine.

 _Frank covers Mike's ears._

FRANK: Are you ready?

MIKE: What?

 _Frank takes one of his hands off Mike's ear._

FRANK: I said, are you ready?

MIKE: Yep!

 _Frank puts his hand on Mike's ear again._

FRANK: Alright, go for it.

MIKE: What?

 _Frank takes his hand off Mike's ear again._

FRANK: I said, go for it.

MIKE: Yep!

 _Frank puts his hand on Mike's ear again. Mike squeezes the trigger. He shoots and fires off a laser shot. He inadvertently points the blaster upward and a First Order stormtrooper falls down from above._

MIKE: What happened? Did I get it?

FRANK: Yeah, you got him alright.

 _The two look at the dead stormtrooper._

MIKE: Oh, geez, that was Donald.

FRANK: He had a wife and kids.

MIKE: At least he wasn't grounded with 'em in the first place. C'mon, let's try again.

FRANK: Oh, no, I think once is enough. Now we know the blasters work...

MIKE: Tell that to Hasbro's Nerf collection! This time, I'm really gonna get that target.

 _Once again, Mike takes aim at the target and fires. It deflects the target and hits a door button. Captain Phasma is coming through the door which shuts again trapping her beneath it._

MIKE: Okay, now did I get it that time?

FRANK: We will if we don't do something!

MIKE: Whoops.

 _The two hurry over to her aid. They manage to get the door open again. Phasma gets up._

PHASMA: *ANGRILY* What are you two playing at?

MIKE: Oh, well...w-we can explain. You see, uh...we were checking the blasters to see if they were working, and-

FRANK: We?! What do you mean 'We'?

MIKE: We're janitors. What do you expect?

PHASMA: Absolutely no tomfoolery whatsoever!

MIKE: Tom Who? Frank, do we know a guy named Tom?

PHASMA: Get back to work at once or before I report you to Lord Ren.

MIKE: Really? As in...Kylo Ren? The Kylo Ren?

 _Cut to Kylo Ren's meditation chamber; Kylo Ren is seated on his throne; Mike and Frank stand nervously while Captain Phasma stands to attention –on her foot is the trail of toilet paper that Mike disposed of earlier._

REN: Yes, I am Kylo Ren.

MIKE: Yeah, we know who you are-

FRANK: _(elbowing Mike in the stomach)_ *WHISPERS* Shush!

REN: Captain Phasma tells me you were fooling around again; is this true?

FRANK: Well, uh... not in so many words...

REN: How many?

MIKE: Just the one; yes.

 _Kylo Ren gets up from his throne, reaches his arm outward and strangles Mike. Mike's eyes widen and his tongue hangs out of his mouth._

REN: I will not tolerate impeccable fools such as you! Now, get back to work!

 _Kylo Ren flings Mike out of the room. Mike lands with a thud on the floor. Frank follows after._

MIKE: We're definitely in the dog house. Or is it Wookiee house?

 _Mike and Frank are in the TIE Fighter Hangar. They are repainting the warning panels on the floor._

MIKE: So, it's...yellow-black-yellow-black-yellow-black-yellow-red, right?

FRANK: Yes.

MIKE: Oh, right. I just wanted to make sure.

FRANK: Yeah...for, like, the twenty-ninth time.

 _Mike gets up off the floor and walks to the outside of the parking space. In doing so, he walks across the wet paint and leaves footprints. He inspects his work._

MIKE: Not bad, eh, Frank?

FRANK: Er...Mike?

MIKE: What? Did I miss a spot?

 _Frank points to the floor. Mike looks down and sees the footprints he made._

MIKE: Aw, crap. Oh well, might as well start over.

 _He paints over the footprints. Then, he gets up and again walks across the wet paint. He is again baffled to see the footprints reappear again._

MIKE: This paint's magic!

FRANK: No, it's not! That was you!

MIKE: Me? No, I couldn't have.

FRANK: Well, you'd better cover it up otherwise Captain Phasma is onto us like a mad dog on a motor scooter!

MIKE: No sooner said than done.

 _Mike begins to paint over the footprints with the yellow paint. In doing so, he inadvertently paints a pair of feet. They belong to Captain Phasma who was standing right by him the whole time. Mike takes one look up and then jumps back in fright, landing on Frank, causing the paint to spill out onto the floor._

PHASMA: Not you two, again.

MIKE: *NERVOUSLY* I cannot tell a lie...it was an accident.

PHASMA: So I see...but do you think it was an accident painting my boots?

MIKE: *NERVOUSLY* Uh...n-no...?

 _He takes out an old rag and uses it to wipe the paint off her feet, which is still wet and spreads up to her knees. He stops and looks up, trembling with fear._

 _Cut to Kylo Ren's chamber – Mike is thrown out of the room and lands on the corridor floor. Frank helps him up._

MIKE: I told you he was a reasonable man.

FRANK: Yeah, right. Now, let's get back to work.

 _Inside the en-suite bathroom of Kylo Ren's chamber, Kylo Ren, unmasked, is washing his hair. After he dries his hair and switches off the light, his black cape starts glowing in the dark. He then realises that Mike used it to wipe the glow-in-the-dark paint off his hands._

REN: I might've known...!

He quickly masks himself, opens the door and yells for them.

REN: You two!

FRANK: *SUSPICIOUS* What have you done now, Mike?

 _Inside the chamber..._

MIKE: Look, Sir...it's not too bad. It makes you look...visible.

REN: But I don't want to look visible – I want to look like me.

FRANK: Maybe we could do something about it?

REN: It just so happens that I have a spare cape with me. It needs ironing.

MIKE: Yes, Sir! Right away!

REN: Good. And no more monkey business.

MIKE: Yes, Sir - I mean, n-no, Sir! None of the sort at all.

 _The two leave._

 _Mike is at an ironing board ironing the cape._

FRANK: How's the cape coming on?

MIKE: Fine and dandy.

FRANK: Could you give me a hand, please?

MIKE: Sure.

 _Mike accidentally leaves the iron on the ironing board. He reaches for a bottle of cleaning stuff which he eventually grabs – and ends up falling off the shelf and on Frank's head._

FRANK: Ow!

MIKE: Sorry, Frank! At least you got what you needed.

 _He then smells smoke and runs back to the ironing board. He removes the iron off it and his eyes widen with horror. Frank comes in._

FRANK: Something cooking?

MIKE: Yep. How do you like your Sith Lord garb?

 _He holds the burnt cape up to Frank._

FRANK: Oh, no!

MIKE: What? You needed my help, remember!?

FRANK: Well, I wasn't the one who left the iron while it was still on!

MIKE: Maybe we could still fix it...

FRANK: I'm sure we could.

 _A light-bulb appears above Frank's head._

FRANK: I know where we could get some black material!

MIKE: You do?

FRANK: Sure, I do. Just look in the laundry basket and find some old clothes to use.

MIKE: I'm on it!

 _Mike goes around the corridors collecting laundry when he hears music playing from a room. He quietly opens the door. He hears water running and music (the original Lapti Nek from Return of the Kedi) playing on the radio. He quietly creeps toward the en-suite bathroom where Phasma is taking a shower. He sees something black on the floor – it is Phasma's cape. He quickly takes it and quietly exits the room. He trips up, knocking the radio on the floor. He quickly picks himself up and runs out of the room. Phasma, wearing only her towel, stands in the doorway with a look of suspicion on her. As she returns to her apartment, she is locked out wearing nothing but her towel._

 _Mike is back with Frank and Phasma's cape._

MIKE: I got it!

FRANK: The material?

MIKE: You bet I did! _(he proudly holds up Phasma's cape)_

FRANK: Oh my gosh, Mike! You didn't-

MIKE: I did.

FRANK: That won't do!

MIKE: Yes, it would! It's black on one side. Maybe we could dye it.

FRANK: Captain Phasma's not gonna like it when she founds out.

MIKE: Of course she won't find out. She's got some spares of her own, anyway.

FRANK: You're right. I'm sure she does.

 _They get to work on the new cape._

 _As they head to Kylo Ren's chamber, Mike is stopped dead in his tracks and hides behind Frank._

MIKE: *WHISPERS* Look!

 _He points to a figure in the distance – it is Captain Phasma, dressed only in her towel and slippers and holding a blaster._

FRANK: Ah, crap.

MIKE: *WHISPERS* You distract her. I'll get the cape to him undetected.

 _He runs off down the other direction still holding the repaired cape for Kylo Ren. Phasma gives chase to Frank. They get to a blast door. Frank quickly jumps through as it closes. Phasma follows him just as it shuts. Her towel is seen hanging on the other side._

 _Mike leaves the cape outside Ren's chamber. He knocks on the door and runs off. Kylo Ren opens the door and looks around. He then sees the cape and picks it up._

REN: Perfect.

 _He takes it inside and closes the door._

 _A control console; a technician leaves it as to go to the bathroom. Just then, Frank and Mike stop by. Mike still has the list from earlier on._

MIKE: *READING* Dusting control panels.

FRANK: Right. So, be careful.

MIKE: I will.

FRANK: And don't touch anything.

MIKE: I will.

FRANK: Huh?

MIKE: I mean...I won't!

 _Mike gets started on cleaning. He opens a bottle of cleaning fluid and pours it on a rag. Then, he gives the screen a wipe. Suddenly, he accidentally knocks the open bottle of cleaning solvent on the console which its contents pour out onto, causing the system to go haywire. The Star Destroyer suddenly shuts down; the lights go out; total chaos._

FRANK: What have you done, now?

MIKE: It was an accident!

 _The Star Destroyer suddenly falls out from space and heads toward a planet. It enters its atmosphere and straight to the surface. It crash lands next to a parking meter where a traffic warden is walking by. He writes a ticket and sticks it on the front._

 _Frank, Mike, Kylo Ren and Phasma all fall out from the Star Destroyer._

PHASMA: Is that my cape, Lord Ren?

REN: Your cape, Phasma? I don't see your name on it.

PHASMA: Then what's that crude mark doing on it?

 _Kylo Ren notices it. He sees the stitching on it. Their gaze turns to Mike and Frank, their blood boiling with rage..._

PHASMA: It was you two all along...

REN: I might've known it...

FRANK: *SHEEPISH* Well, uh...it's, um...it's, uh...

MIKE: *NERVOUS* H-hey, n-now...I'm – I'm really sorry... We're sorry. We're really, REALLY sorry-

REN: Sorry? Sorry!? I'll give you sorry!

MIKE: Uh-oh...

 _Ren draws his cross-guard lightsaber and chases after Mike and Frank. Phasma in her towel follows armed with a blaster. Comical music is also played._

FRANK: We're in trouble, now!

MIKE: We've ruined the First Order!

 _A dormitory room – Mike is in bed asleep._

MIKE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!

FRANK: Mike, wake up!

 _Mike wakes up with a fright._

MIKE: Oh, Frank...you'll never believe the dream I had...there was a bad-tempered Sith lord and a bossy female stormtrooper.

FRANK: Really?

MIKE: Oh, yeah.

 _Poe Dameron enters the bunk quarters._

POE: Shake a leg, boys! It's time to go to work! The First Order waits for nobody!

MIKE & FRANK: Right behind you, Captain Dameron!

 _They both don their flight-suits and their helmets. Moments later, they jump into X-Wing Fighters and take off._

MIKE: Hooray for the Resistance.

FRANK: You said it, Mike, you said it.

 _They enter lightspeed and disappear._

 **THE END**


End file.
